


There's No Queer As Folk

by LadyByron



Category: Eroica Yori Ai o Komete | From Eroica with Love
Genre: Comedy, Dubious Consent, It really sounds heavy with this tags, Multi, Non-Consensual Drug Use, but its pretty silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:48:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22398073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyByron/pseuds/LadyByron
Summary: After being forced to try an experimental drug, Iron Klaus becomes... Well, different.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 6





	There's No Queer As Folk

**Author's Note:**

  * For [for my girlfriend who had a big laugh reading this.](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=for+my+girlfriend+who+had+a+big+laugh+reading+this.).



> Read it lightly because it's just silliness.

"It's a new substance and we do not fully know what the effects are. Since it could be very well dangerous... We decided to try it on you...", the old man said, smirking. His Russian accent was so strong that Major Klaus could barely understand him.

"Don't you fucking dare!", he yelled, squirming, imprisoned by those cuffs, laying on the lab's cold bed, dressed only with white scrubs.

  
It was pointless to fight. Soon, a needle entered his vein and the liquid traveled through his blood torrent and suddenly everything was black. Not even the loud noises that came later, the shooting, the door slamming - not even the German voices woke him up.

  
Only hours later he woke up, and heard a German doctor saying "... Affects the hormones. We can only guess this far, but the substance is not at all dangerous. We believe he'll experience a personality change..."

He was drowsy, so he couldn't get it all, but it looked like for some reason he was producing more endorphins, and his brain was quite fucked up. "Fucked up! Rude."

"Mh... Wh...where am I?" He asked and A leaned over him.

"Sir! Oh, thank god you're alright!" He exclaimed, smiling relieved, "we were all so worried about you!"

Klaus pouted. His chest was suddenly full of gratitude for this loyal, sweet boy...

"Oh, A..." His lip started trembling, "I was scared... I know... You found me... You're such a good agent-" a sob cut him off.

A was naturally shocked and the doctor explained that for an unknown period of time, Klaus would be surprising them a lot.

  
The following days, only some dared to visit the Major at the hospital. It was ludicrous and very embarrassing.

The Chief went often. It was amusing for him.

"Hah, so how's my pride and joy doing on this day, eh?".

"Oh, chief! I'm so much better now that I see you!" Klaus smiled, shaking his hand.

"You know it is very pathetic to see you like this? I think I should record the whole thing. It will be amazing to see your face once you recover", the Chief chuckled with malice, scratching his moustache.

"Pah, I think not! Why would I mind. Everyone loves a change for good. And I feel great! I have never felt better! You KNOW?" Klaus would manifest his love for life and friends with such passion that few dared to go inside his room.

  
Poor Z almost had a stroke.

He went in with G, and Klaus almost cried when he saw them.

"Oh, my babes! You two were always my babies, did you know?". The Major exclaimed the moment he saw them, extending his arms and making grabby hands.

Even though she snorted and began laughing hysterically -although knowing laughing at her superior was terrible- G didn't hesitate to run to his beloved arms. Klaus laughed with her, not understanding what was so funny, but who cared? Laughing is the best medicine.

He petted her hair and smooched her forehead. G blushed intensely and almost squeaked.

"God, aren't you the prettiest of NATO? Seriously, you know? Since the moment I saw this little one I knew G would look dazzling in a dress. Was I wrong? Was I wrong, you cutie?". He tried to Eskimo kiss her but even despite her love and desire for the Major, she startled a bit as well and stepped back, chuckling nervously.

"Heeheehee thank you sir", she answered, hiding behind Z.

"I'm just saying the truth, and please call me Klaus. Isn't she gorgeous, Z, tell the truth", he pointed at the young man and he froze, remembering how authoritarian this man could be.

"Sir, yes, sir, indeed very pretty", he answered like a good scared soldier and Klaus laughed.

"Come here, you scoundrel!" He made a hand gesture.

Reluctantly, Z came closer and growled when two muscular arms wrapped him in a bear hug. Then Klaus ruffled his hair and patted his back hard enough to almost make him pop his eyes out.

He then hugged him again, pulled him closer and spoke to him, almost nose to nose.

"You've always been my little protégé, you know?"

"Mngh y-yes sir?". Z was pale.

"Mh-hum. I, sadly, have no children, but if I did, I would wish they were like you. Or you, baby girl", he looked at a mouth-opened G, "you two are so amazing that sometimes I'm out of words. You, Z, are like a son to me. I love you, Z. Yes? I love you".

  
G was again biting her lip not to laugh, but deep inside she was dying of jealousy. Z wrinkled his nose, looking terrified.

"Did you hear, Z? I said, I love you", Klaus grinned like a lunatic.

" Y-yes, I- huh, huh".

"I said, I love you".  
  
Klaus had always a smile on his face and his tone was quite nice, but his insistence showed he was still the same despotic bastard.

" I-I... Love you too, sir..." Z was almost about to cry from the humiliation.

"I know. And I love you too, G, very, very much, beautiful", he smiled at her.

" I love you too, sir" she replied immediately.

"I want you two to call me dad. Because I'm like a father to you. Z, call me dad" Klaus tilted his head looking at the blonde closely.

"What".

"Call me papa".

"........" . He wanted to die. "Papa"

"You too, G".

"Papa. Or, daddy is okay?", G bit her lip.

"More than okay! It's so sweet...", Klaus made an "awww" sound.

G chuckled.

"Daddy, then. And if I may be so bold, I think you are adorable and extremely sexy with your new personality ". It was a risqué comment from her, but she was quite fearless.

  
Klaus tilted his head back and laughed out loud.

  
"AAAAAAAH THE CHEEK OF HER! Get out of here, you two! Love birds, out of my sight!", he growled, still laughing. But before letting Z go, he placed a big smooch on his cheek.

  
"Oh, hum, can I have one too?", G asked, forgetting her first shock.

"You can have two, baby doll. Come here".

After her two smooches, they left. Z was shivering, pale and nauseous.

  
"God that was hot", G fanned herself with her hat.

"I saw my entire life passing through my eyes", he said later, eyes fixed on the wall, still pale and sweating cold.

  
"Oh, I think he is adorable!". G sighed, "I'll visit daily".

"I wanna be sick... I want to vomit...", Z was about to cry again.

One man that also visited him daily since the day he arrived to Germany was Lawrence. They got on extremely well, and the laughter and yelling could be heard all along the corridor.

  
"What about this one, Klaus?", Lawrence was sitting next to him on the bed.

"I don't know. The boobies are too biggy". Klaus shook his head, looking at the magazine.

"Aaaah this one here. What do you think?"

"She looks Asian. I mean, I sincerely have nothing against them, all right? I am not such a xenophobic monster, am I?" Klaus looked at Lawrence with a hand on his chest.

"Eh...", as silly as he was, the English didn't dare to be honest, even with this new kind Major.

"I'm definitely not. But, for my personal taste, I prefer them European".

"Well, that's perfectly fine! I like them all, oh svelte, delish creatures... "

"That one", Klaus pointed at a girl on the magazine.

"This one? But... Are you certain of this?" Lawrence frowned.

"Yeah! I mean. Woah. She's a snack cake!"

"But she has that long, curly blond hair you hate so much..." The SIS best agent scratched his neck.

"Nonsense! I love that hair! My best friend in the whole universe has hair like that, and I love him more than I love my sweet father", Klaus laughed softly at Lawrence's stupidity.

"... I am your best friend in the whole universe", Lawrence looked wrecked.

"Yes, I mean... Oh, Charlie... You know I love you dearly, but between me and Dorie there's something special...", The Major looked sincerely pained.

"... D-dorie, Major?", the English agent was almost shivering with anger.

" Yes. I wonder why he hasn't come yet. I miss him so much...".

Lawrence left the room crying and didn't return until several days later.

The reason why Dorian wasn't coming yet was because he was dealing with some trouble. He had been found in a wicked situation with a certain Brother Sebastianus. He had to leave Switzerland to avoid getting in trouble. But that's... Another story.

  
As soon as he could, he left to Germany. Everyone explained the situation in detail. He was most delighted.

It was perhaps the chance to get lovey-dovey with Klaus, the latter being completely participative.

  
When he entered the room, he found Klaus with two braids, red lipstick and G painting the nails of his right hand.

Dorian was shocked. He had been warned yes, but the picture was still unbelievable.

  
"Lord Gloria!", G shouted and ran to greet her friend.

  
But it was Klaus who seemed the most touched.

"You came! Oh god, I thought you wouldn't!". His eyes were teary and he seemed tremendously emotional.

Lord Gloria smiled at him.

  
"Allow me just one second, dear, and I'm all yours...". He said with a studied calm tone.

Klaus nodded and winked and Dorian shivered. "Goodness gracious...", He thought, half abashed, half aroused. He grabbed G by her elbow and walked out with her, shutting the door behind them.

  
"What on earth have you been doing to him?!" He asked.

"He asked for it! He said he was curious!". G snapped.

"Oh my...", Dorian gasped, "this is serious, is it not?".

"You can bet. Z and I MUST call him dad. A must come daily and sometimes the Major hugs him so tight that he gets bruises. He spends hours petting B's hair and the other day he asked us to send Mischa a postcard. He signed with a little heart on the O of Major. We're truly worried. It's been 13 days".

"Good lord... And the effects won't go?!"

"Nein. Doctors are desperate. It's adorable, sometimes. But he gets very, very clingy, in some occasions. He tore my tights the other day. He made me sit on his lap and tickled me, he's a bit of a brute...", G admitted with blushed cheeks.

  
Dorian gulped at the mental image.

  
"O-on his lap, sweetie?".

"Ja", G nodded.

"And he... Makes you call him papa?". He could barely hold his lechery.

"Yes. And he found out I have a mole here on my neck and he wants to kiss it every day", she looked down, embarrassed and giggled, touching her neck right under the jaw.

"Show me?", Dorian licked his lips.

G lifted his face and Dorian gasped.

"H-he kisses you here?". With shaky fingers he brushed the mole and G squeaked.

"NOT YOU, he's my boss!".

"Alright, alright! Ah, dear... God, thanks for the detailed information...", Dorian gulped and entered alone.

Klaus smiled at him with such adoration that Dorian honestly thought he has lost his mind. "Well", the Earl thought for himself, "there's no queer as folk".

  
"Come here, you... Bastard...", Klaus extended his arms to him and made gestures for him to come closer.

Dorian walked towards him hesitantly. He hugged Klaus and this time, unlike others, Klaus was very gentle. They embraced for a long time and Dorian relaxed.

"Why did it take you so long?", Klaus asked softly, playing with his curls.

"I got myself involved in an utter ridiculous situation. All I did was a good act for that poor soul and I was treated as a pervert. The boy kept saying that I made him see God's face and that he felt the Lord's glory but ahhh when that old horde of frigidity found out I-" he stopped when he noticed Klaus' frowning, "B-but I am here now, sweetheart. How do you do?".

Klaus sighed.

"I'm much better now that I see you... Meanie. You were over there cheating on me with that monk and I was suffering here...", Klaus smiled tenderly at him, caressing his chin.

The Earl's face was a big question mark.

"Cheating, Major?", He finally asked.

"Why of course. Am I not the love of your life?". He asked.

"..........", Dorian shivered "yes but... You hate that".

"No. I love it. I love you. And you were cheating on me. I should be mad but... I can't get mad at you, Dorie, sweetie...". He wrapped Dorian with his arms, but the thief squirmed away.

  
His blouse had marks of Klaus nail's paint and lipstick. He sighed.

"This is very expensive, it's charmeuse...". He mumbled, "could you wipe the lipstick, at least?".

Klaus looked confused. He grabbed some tissues and cleaned his mouth neatly, and also undid the braids.

  
He then climbed off the bed and wrapped the blonde in an embrace from behind, purring with kittenish grace and smooched his ear. Dorian gasped but soon melted in the hug.

  
"You devil, why were you with that monk...? Mh? Don't you love me anymore..?", Klaus started kissing his neck. He slid his hands under Dorian's blouse and caressed the skin, moaning.

Dorian swallowed hard before speaking.

"Aaah-I wasn't aware of your... Change, Major... And please, G just told me some things-".

"Ah yes but it was just playful... You know for me there is no one but you... You, my love...". He grabbed the Earl's chin and gently turned his face towards his, "give me those cherry lips, baby, let me kiss you...".

Passed the shock from the start, Dorian was surrendering already to Klaus' charms.

  
But...

For some reason... Right then, something rang in his head.

Something new. Something... Decent.

Klaus was -even after two weeks of it- under the effects of a drug. He wasn't being himself. Therefore, it wasn't consensual.

Any other time... He wouldn't have cared. He would have taken advantage of the situation. But now... Call it age or call it moral, he didn't dare.

  
"No, sweetheart, wait...", He squirmed away again.

Klaus groaned, frustrated.

"What? Babe? Come on! I'm very horny!". He whined and the bulge in his scrub pants proved him right.

Dorian licked his lips but shook his head.

"But we cannot, my love... I... God knows I yearn for this to happen, but I really want you to be fully part of it... Seriously, and by your own choice...". He was hurt.

"But...", The Major was confused, "I am part of this. I want you!".

He walked to Dorian and pushed him gently over the bed.

"No-nonono Major... No...", He whined but soon he was on the bed with a huge horny German on top of him.

"Come on, hottie, don't you like me...? Mh?", He whispered in Dorian's ear and the thief shivered. He sighed and closed his eyes, "yes you do...". Klaus' hand squeezed Dorian's crotch and the blonde hissed and moaned, "this here says you do".

"I do, oh god, I SO do but... Mngh aaaah Klaus...", Dorian groaned when the Major started rubbing his bulge while his tongue caressed his earlobe, "this is not okay, this is not you...".

"It iiiiis...", Klaus growled, "want to see my ass to recognize me better? You know it well, no?"

Dorian was about to succumb but finally his determination was stronger. He jumped out of the bed and stood firm.

  
"I said no which means no!".

  
Klaus growled in frustration. His jaw was tense and his frown was as scary as usual.

  
Fuck.

  
Just for once that he decided to play along with the game, to make everyone think he was still under the effects of the drugs... Just waiting for the fucking thief who was in Switzerland making a virgin brat happy... And now the Mister was on his high horse, playing the ethic imbecile.

  
So the tactic failed.

  
He had to use another. But he had to fucking do it because he was horny, no doubt.

  
"You don't love me anymore?". He growled again and grabbed Dorian, pinning him against the wall.

  
Dorian squeaked.

  
"Major, I beg you...".

"No, I beg you... My darling...". He breathed in his ear.

"Major...".

"Love me, darling...", A big neck suck.

"Major!"

"LOVE ME!"

"Major please!"

He stopped. It was the moment now.

"What... The fuck... Am I doing...", He seethed, walking backwards.

Dorian looked at him.

"Major?"

"What the fuck is happening? Why was I-", he shook his head, "what was this?!"

Dorian sighed in relief.

"Oh, Major, you're back!". He whined and ran to him.

"STAY AWAY!"

"Whoop, oh, right, you're back", Dorian blushed.

"And what the fuck is this!". He looked at his fingernails.

"Aaaah that, you asked for it. You, did it yourself, actually", the Earl protected G.

"Fuck... What... What was I doing to you...?", He tried to sound cold.

"... Nothing. You were... Well, your personality changed and you... Wanted to... I believe, get intimate with me, but you were drugged! I wasn't going to take advantage of you! I swear!"

"I can see that, I had you pinned there and you were shitting your pants! Damn, fuck... I'm... Sorry, Eroica".

"Oh, worry not... I hum, hah, I may have enjoyed it a bit", he smirked, twirling a curl around his finger.

"JA, I can see...", Klaus nodded, pointing at Dorian's bulge.

The thief laughed, but still he was curious about the Major not being so mad.

"You're in no better condition, darling!"

Klaus smiled a bit.

"No... Fuck, and I'm... Actually horny".

He gave Dorian a lascivious look that sent shivers down his spine.

"Oh? Would you... Like my assistance?" The blonde smirked and walked closer, awaiting the rage that it would trigger.

"Yeah..." Klaus licked his lips "Come here..."

Well that was even more shocking than before. But, since he didn't "go there", Klaus went to him. He locked the door, grabbed Dorian and proceeded to strip him from some of his clothes to devour him with kisses. The thief gave in to him like a tamed cat, and purred as if he was too.

No more pretense now, and there were going to be better places to screw the fop from now on. Dorian may have been shocked but... Klaus was always a strange person.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I wouldn't post again but here I am with some silly plot.


End file.
